How can we, women, make policy makers, who are mainly men, listen to us?’ I ask.
‘All women only criticise their husbands,’ Dr Mostafa el-Feki says. He looks very annoyed. ‘They should stop doing that.’
I’m taken aback by his answer, but understand why he is upset. The director of the prestigious Library of Alexandria is hosting the last day of our conference of international business women. He is one of the two speakers in the panel on geopolitics I am moderating. But he was late to his own party. After nearly two hours waiting for the honour of his presence, I had decided to start without him. He wants me to know I’ve committed a grave breach of protocol.
When Dr el-Feki did arrive, I acknowledged and thanked him, but did not give him the floor – a second breach of protocol. Why? I had just asked a question to my other guest, Egyptian-American businessman Dr Ashley Ansara, about his passion for promoting democracy and self-determination in both his home countries. </span>
Dr el-Feki was not amused. He addressed the international audience in rapid-fire Arabic, even though his English is fluent. He got a few laughs from the Arabic-speaking women. Luckily, my punishment was brief and to my relief, he soon switched back to English.
Pretty
I explained that before he arrived we had been listening to one of our European participants whose billion-dollar business is severely affected by the geopolitical crisis in Ukraine. She stood up and introduced herself. He took one look at her and said: ‘You’re pretty. You don’t need to talk.’
‘I don’t need to take that from you,’ she snapped. ‘I’m talking about serious business here!’
Some of the Egyptian women opened their eyes widely and seemed to hold their breath in shock. I could see Dr el-Feki’s hackles go up even further. I tried deflecting the tension by asking him about our subject of Egypt and geopolitics. But soon we were back at women’s issues and my question about making ourselves heard, to which he had given such a dismissive reply.
‘I’m sorry,’ I say. ‘Generalising like that is like saying that all men beat their wives.’
Faces in the audience wince at my Dutch directness, but others seem to encourage me.
Dr el-Feki sits up straight. ‘That’s not true! It’s very wrong for men to beat their wives! It’s a lie that the Quran allows this.’
‘I’m glad you say that,’ I answer, as warmly as I can. ‘Empowerment of women is a priority, the Egyptian government has officially stated, but all over the world the needle isn’t moving much. What is Egypt hoping for from women’s economic and perhaps political inclusion?’
The director nods. Index finger up in the air, he smiles triumphantly. ‘Women should stop nagging!’
Our audience consists of more than a hundred female business owners spanning the globe: from South Korea to Detroit, Finland to Bahrain, not to forget Egypt itself. These women travelled all the way here. I can’t believe my ears.
I kindly tell him about reneurological research that shows that many men hear female voices with the part of the brain that listens to music. So, more than words, they may be hearing the melody. Perhaps taking women seriously is part of the problem we’re trying to address, I suggest.
A seasoned bureaucrat, Dr el-Feki doesn’t give away much, but his body language softens. From now on, the discussion turns more serious.
Value
Situations like this are not exclusive for Egypt. The world is full of men who feel the need to show women their place. If we truly want to change this, I think it’s important to understand what goes on under the surface and draw some lessons from it.
In my forthcoming book, I draw on the growing body of research that shows how many differences there are between women and men. These differences have often been used to justify misogyny, which is why feminism insists that we’re the same. But even as women and men must seek legal and social equality, we should appreciate that we’re not identical. The real issue is that our societies – feminists included – don’t value what makes women ‘womanly’. That is the tendency to care, to share, to not put herself first, to seek consensus rather than feeling the need to be the decision maker. This, by the way, is not the same as letting others walk all over her.
Depending on which parts of the brain are dominant, I make a distinction between the We-mind and the Me-mind. Of course, not all women are the same, just like not all men are, and most people have characteristics of both, but on the whole it can be said that women have more of a We-mind and men more of a Me-mind.
The ultimate We-mind prioritises the well-being of the group, even if that is at its own expense. It seeks to minimise differences and thus avoids appearing superior. Connection is the main driver that gives it an internal sense of meaning and, equally important, esteem from others.
The ultimate Me-mind prioritises its own well-being, even if that is at the expense of others. It likes to showcase its differences, but only if that leads to superiority. Increasing its status is the main driver that makes it feel good about itself and earns it the admiration of other Me-minds.
What we witnessed in Alexandria was the behaviour of a Me-mind needing to make sure it had the highest status. Dr. el Feki had to make us wait in order to show that the program happened on his terms. He had to show me my place, because by starting without him, the impression was created that he was not in charge. He had lost status.
My We-mind flattered him to acknowledge his status and establish a connection, but at the same time was concerned with the well-being of the group. I couldn’t simply ignore the memory of worried and angry faces, the strong sense that precious time was wasted and stolen from the next speakers in the rest of the days’ program.
One last remark on the nagging. Deborah Tannen, PhD, trailblazer when it comes to describing the different communication patterns of women and men, already wrote in 1990: ‘That women have been labelled “nags” may result from the interplay of men’s and women’s styles, whereby many women are inclined to do what is asked of them and many men are inclined to resist even the slightest hint that anyone, especially a woman, is telling them what to do. A woman will be inclined to repeat a request that doesn’t get a response because she is convinced that her husband wou
ld do what she asks, if he only understood that she really wants him to do it. But a man who wants to avoid feeling that he is following orders may instinctively wait before doing what she asked, in order to imagine that he is doing it of his own free will. Nagging is the result, because each time she repeats the request, he again puts off fulfilling it.’
Understanding our differences is like spotting the rocks under the surface of the sea: it helps women and men who are in a professional or personal relationship navigate their ship to safe waters or sail to new horizons. Valuing them brings out the bounty of true diversity.
Happy International Women’s Day.
#breakthebias